I have read a lot of books.  A lot of Fiction, a lot of classics, a lot of contemporary, some romance (well a lot of romance), some science fiction or fantasy.  I've read female authors and I've read male authors.  What I've noticed is, they get it wrong.  Women cannot write about men, and men cannot write about women.  Also, Nicholas Sparks doesn't get either one right.  

When women develop male characters, they give them complicated unrealistic decision making qualities.  No, I'm not saying guys cant's make decisions. I'm saying guys decisions aren't overly complicated.  When a man develops a female character, they give them actions based on logical reasonings.  Go ahead and get opinionated about that.  We may end up at the logical conclusion, but It came from crazy.  

I get so close to my characters.  I hate it when I read a book and I think, "that's wrong, she would never do that."  

In a romance novel it's less of a problem, because a lot of times the guy is supposed to be this idealistic sexy beast.  But really, where are those guys in real life.

The book that prompted this post.  Sunflowers.  A historical fiction about Vincent Van Gogh.  Written by a woman. From the point of view of a whore.  She made Vincent out to be a little more childlike than I would think.  Also, she gave him a little more softness than would be realistic for a man.  His bonds and relationships with people were too complicated.   And his approach to painting, not complicated enough.  

I can't blame the poor authors, though.  How can you depict what you can't understand.  I would be lost if I tried to make up a fictional male and try to figure him out.  I'd probably go the easy way and make him an idealistic sexy beast.

Leah K.

     I called Miss Carolyn and asked if she would like to help with my school, now that I was really up and running.  I thought it would be good for her.  I would let her teach a few classes and make a little money.  I guess I was wrong.  I realize she was my former boss, but the school has my name on it.  She can't pick those songs.  They have nothing to do with the theme for recital.  Then she has the nerve to change my choreography!  And make me teach it!  She's taking the money from the students.  No.  

     But I guess I will let it happen.  I'm busy with my own drama.  Keeping my affair a secret is growing difficult.  If she were to find out, it would put the whole project at risk.  I won't have a job at all if we are found out.  We are getting less and less careful.  Ashley will hate me when she finds out I'm sleeping with her husband.  Why did Miss Carolyn schedule a meeting in the office tonight?   They are all right through the next door.  We dare not leave for fear of them hearing us.  They must have seen my car.  I'll have to go in.  It was dark. The only light from a TV screen.  Then I felt his hands encircle me.  He was giving us away. It all happened so fast.  There were screams and accusations thrown at me.  Ashley was the ring leader and together they threw me out of the sky door.  

     As I fell, I was most upset that Miss Carolyn would screw up all my beautiful recital plans.  My beautiful Spanish ballet!   How could I have done this to myself.  

Now, in truth Miss Carolyn would never impose.  But my dream Miss Carolyn was so similar to the real life one, that it was disturbing.  Also, in real life I don't think I would put up much of a fight if someone were to start taking over at the school.  I'm a little discouraged.  In my dream I fought not making the decisions, but I'm tired of making the decisions.   Right now it seems to not be worth it.  So why the dream?  I guess in my unconscious I do want it.  It's mine.  The only thing that is just mine.  And the affair.  Well, I'm lacking in that area of my life.  So my dreams must be over compensating with a little too much excitement.  I blame the books I read for the lynch mob and the sky door.  

Leah K.

in response to http://benelliman.xanga.com/769017034/world-standing-still/

A kiss to make the world stand still?

It used to be possible.  
I have a memory.
A kiss where nothing else existed.
For a little while.  
We were outside in the middle of the night.
Only the stars around.  
I was young.  
Nothing to draw me out of the moment.  

Will it ever happen again?  
It seems my world cannot stand still any longer.  
The swiftness with which time is taken from me.
Always threatening to overwhelm me.  
A kiss feels like a race with time.
A fight to feel everything.
Within the time allowed. 
The world always pulling me away.

Thanks @benelliman for the subject

Leah K.

 Interesting.  I was thinking about writing about this subject yesterday.  Today the topic popped up in my subscriptions.

A religious (or at least moral) lifestyle

     In my own life, I have a certain fallen from grace quality.   An unwed mother can never truly be viewed as completely moral.  Really, I might as well attach a red 'A' to my left saggy mom boob.  Add my tattoos.  Add my fondness for drunken dancing at the gay bar. Add my fun use of vulgar language.  Add the books I read. My career in itself can be viewed as sinful.  I drive too fast. Ah, screw em.  All this being said.  I am a good person who only wants to help others.  I am nice and give my time and money freely.  That's what is important to me.  Sex, tattoos, alcohol, those things are not important to me at all.  

     A person who lives an 'overly religious' lifestyle however, looks at my life and only sees sex, tattoos, and alcohol.  They live their lives shunning these specific wrongs, and never understand it's completely unimportant.  Abortion is wrong, sex outside of marriage is wrong, cuss words are wrong, tattoos are wrong, dancing is wrong, drinking is wrong.   They spend their time looking down on people for faults they perceive them to have.  They miss the good in the world.  It has always seemed such a negative lifestyle to me.  Don't do bad things! rather than, Do good things!  And by good things, I do not mean shove your beliefs down another person's throat.  I mean support people without requiring them to change to your point of view.  

    I guess all my blog entries have the same message.  Look at people!  See them for what they are, not what you judge them to be.  

    Yes, I believe that "sin" brings you down.  It has negative consequences.  I can feel it.  One thing is a gateway to a worse thing.   People should strive not to do bad things.  But through all of this striving not to, people got lost.   They started shunning.  They started judging.  They started hating.  Hate is the worst thing a person can do in this world.   If you are going to hate someone, hate yourself for breeding such negativity.  Hate yourself for the ignorance you teach your children.  

     This type of people are abundant around me.    

Leah K.

Yes.  You read that right.

     A lot of my life was spent in Northeast Arkansas.  The country of wind, rice, and mosquitoes.  When we were at our house in town, it wasn't so bad because the trucks would drive around and spray mosquito killer.  

 Out at the farm, however, we were at war.  You might be surprised how a little bug can change your daily life.  They affect which lights you turn on inside the house.  Never, under any circumstances, turn the light on in your bedroom, ever.  If you are opening the front door, you better be ready to go.  The light in that room must be out, and the front porch should be lit solely by citronella candles.  Open and close the door as fast as possible.  As for being outside.  I remember many 4th of July fireworks fun enjoyed in long sleeves and jeans.  In the south.  In 100 degree weather.  Covering your skin with clothing did not exempt you from wearing OFF! The smell still makes me think of home.  There is no feeling like OFF! being sprayed on the back of your bare legs.  When getting in the car, you must be a ninja family.  All doors open at once and are closed immediately.  Car companies totally fail in the fact that the interior lights come on when you open the doors.  Therefore, no matter how quick you think you were, at the first sighting of a flying, blood sucking, skin irritant the AC gets turned up to the max.  Make the damned things hide for their lives.  Last, keep the Cortaid handy and stop scratching.  

All of this history noted, I have a little story from today.  

     It's between classes.  I bring one class down the stairs to their parents waiting in their cars, and I unlock the door for the incoming class.   I stand at the door, opening and closing for each student.  As I turn towards the stairs, I spot an old enemy.  I don't particularly feel like killing it, but a few thoughts enter my mind.  First, there is the West Nile Crisis that is happening here in Texas.  Then, I think what if it wants to eat my students.  Then, I know it's going to get me.  So, like the good Arkansas girl I am, I smash that bitch on the first clap.  That is when I get the unfortunate feeling of wetness exploding between my fingers.  It was a moment when I was thinking, please let this mosquito have bitten me.  Please let this be my own blood on my hand.  A minute or two later, after a good hand washing, my fears are put at ease.  I have a nice little whelp on the back of my upper arm.  Ah, I guess it was my blood after all.  

Leah K.

<----  The Farm!  My poor sister with the tucked in T-shirt.  I'm fabulous.

One of my lovely students made this for me.   She said I actually made that troll face.   

I LOVE IT!  Now I need a "one more time" meme.

Miss Leah

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I like this song... but.  It could really use just a little bit more.  More of everything.  More lyrics.  More build.  More variations to the melodies.  When I hear this song, I sing along, but I get bored, and it ends too soon.  Someone help it.  

Leah K.

She's back!

Katrina has re-entered my dreams.  

Last night my brain went off the deep end.  I can't even tell you what kind of world I was in. It was reminiscent of an apartment building, but more elegant like a nice hotel, and massive more like a hospital.  My living quarters were on a top floor near the grande staircase.  I remember I had an awesome studio.  It was either short on walls or the walls looked like the horizon. It was upstairs as well.   The ceiling was higher!  The floor was that grey dance floor.  The good rubbery no slip stuff.   Metal barres.   Wall of mirrors.  Heaven.  On my way home from class one night I literally ran into Katrina and Lance on the back staircase of the apartments.  They lived there, but we usually didn't see each other.  A while later, I hear a knock on my door.  Katrina is out in the hall.  It was perpetually dark in the hall.  The carpet and walls were both a patterned deep maroon.  There she was, getting mad at me for talking to Lance.  I was so confused.  I thought she had gotten over all of that mess.  Surely she couldn't be this upset over the tiny amount of contact we've had.  Then things got weird.   The stairs next to my door were being repaired and so I couldn't cross the landing.  It was blocked off with a giant blow up hot tub?  Which had people in it that couldn't get down the stairs to their places.  Then there was no floor, and I had to fly to get in the hot tub. With the people.  For days. Until they fixed the stairs.  Katrina was following me.  For some reason she was unable to get in the hot tub.  It was only for certain people?  weirdness and darkness.  no idea.  

I had a dream that the next small town over from me was like backwoods Tennessee.  Decided to go to church there on Sunday.  Driving up the mountain on a dirt path through the houses.  All the people on their porches watching us come.  Met a good country boy.  We couldn't get any good alone time because kids kept walking in on us.  I tried to lock the door over and over.  We went to different rooms.  locked multiple doors.  no go.  (can't imagine what that's a reference to...)

I have recently counted how many churches I have been to in this town and my total stands at 13.  Add the churches in Denton, Jonesboro, Swifton, Little Rock.  You would think I would like one of them.   Take that back.  I kind of like the ones in Denton, Jonesboro, Swifton, and Little Rock. 

Whenever one door closes another opens?  WHY?!  why can't I shut all the doors.  Katrina didn't come back on her own!..  Lance freaking brought her on me!  I'm so glad that you are in the middle of nowhere getting drunk with your friend on your birthday, that is no reason to call someone you haven't talked to in over a year or 3.  Don't call me and act like nothing's wrong with this picture.  Don't call me without taking responsibility for bringing back the nightmares I thought I was rid of.  Kindly remove your wife from my bed at night.  

I'm taking my life experience as another sign that there is something divine controlling our lives.   Explain to me how it's a coincidence over and over and over again that whenever I end a relationship with one person another person comes out of nowhere.   ex. 1. gave ring back....  random phone call from guy 1 week later.   ex. 2.  guy dumps me for wife...  random phone call from different guy.   ex 3.  That guy gets bored... receive message a few weeks later.   ex 4. newness wears off... shiny new car!  ex. 5.  New car is a jacked up mother f*...  old guy texts randomly.   ex. 6.  that same guy got bored or angry, impatient?..  call from example 1 guy whom I haven't seen since ex 1.

I do not call them.  I do not text them.  The shiny new car was my fault.  ugh.  Why would I want to meet someone new if they turn out like that!?  

I didn't say it was good divine intervention.  you can stop intervening.  Universe! Get out of my life.