I hope the world never works the way my brain worked last night.  

I was taking part in an event where you could relive a school shooting.  I'm not sure why I signed up for this.  I always end up doing this to myself.  I see the headlines. I never click on the link to read the story.  I don't want to know.  I ignore the who and the why for as long as possible.  Then I break.  And when I break, boy do I break.

For example, after the Movie Theater Shooting I waited at least 2 weeks before watching any news.  Then I saw one link about cell phone footage inside the theater.  Then I watched all the interviews with people who survived.  Then I listened to the police radio.  Then I watched interviews with family members of those that were killed.  I just kept going.  I cried for two days.  

Then The Sandy Hook shooting happened.  I have refused to watch anything!  I will not.  It happened.  I can't change it.  I can't deal with it.  I will not.  As a result my brain has given me this most recent nightmare.  

As we walk into the school.  The children are in there rooms.  The teachers are going through their lessons.  Our group is ushered through a hallway as witnesses to the regularity, at first.  Then the emergency sets in.  The students are told to be deathly quiet.  Very hard for the little ones.  I see them as they struggle to keep their footsteps silent.  The classes held in unsafe places are ushered into the hall with us, and we are told to follow and stay quiet.  When we get to the place where it is thought we will be able to most effectively hide we sit against a wall.   Someone in charge, a teacher or principle sits down beside me.  He tells me the shooter is getting nearer.  Am I ready?  I'm in a sad state to tell the truth.  I'm asking myself why in the world!  A few people I know are sitting on my other side.  They seem to be doing better with the idea of reliving this.  We hear heavy footfalls.  The teacher says it's time to move.  We head into a dark room with walls you would be able to see through if the lights were on.  I guess their thought was we would be aware of where the shooter was.  Not particularly something I needed to be aware of.  Most of the group I was with went to the opposing wall, and sat on the couch all along it.  I laid down against the nearest wall.  The teacher was the last one in, laying close to me feet near the door.  We began to hear his voice.  He was coming for us.  Getting closer. And closer.  Calling us to our deaths.  This was the moment I realized some of us were going to die.  Maybe me.  Some of those children were going to die. 

When I woke up.  I had a moment where I was upset that my dream was not finished.  Then I was extremely relieved my dream was cut short.  When I was dreaming I knew the words the shooter was shouting.  I knew they were haunting.  They were disturbing.  When I awoke.  I could not place them.  This gave me the same feeling.  I wish I remembered them, but then again.  Maybe it's best I don't remember.  

Leah K.

My Luci registered for Kindergarten tonight.  She went to meet the teachers she might have.  Luci says she doesn't want to turn 5 because she doesn't want to go to kindergarten because she doesn't want to leave her pre-school class.  I keep trying to explain everyone else in her class won't be there after May, but then she gets upset and says she doesn't want anything to change.  My response is that it's not changing.  There are three more months of her class, just the way it is.  

I'm not really sure why registration/Open House is in March.   I was kind of hoping to live in a different school district by the time August came around.  I was at least going to explore all my options.  This kind of settles it.  I guess I'll stay put.  It makes more sense anyway.  The most economical sense.  I just really want to live somewhere else.  I want Luci to go to a different school.  I guess I will suck it up and deal with it.  Quit trying to change everything, when it works the way it is.  

Luci will be fine at this school in the Fall when she is 5.  Surely.  

Sorry for the rambling.  Just trying to let go of my unrealistic plans for the future.  It bothers me.  It makes me feel like all my future plans are unrealistic.  Like nothing will ever change and move forward.  I'm also having a rough week, so maybe I just need to revisit these thoughts on a positive day.  

Leah K.

It's the first day of March.  First thing in the morning.   I have just dropped Luci off at school, I am headed to my studio to pick up some things before my Friday classes start.  I go into the building and start up the stairs.  I hear a fluttering.  I pause.  I go up a few more stairs.  A bird flies across the top of the stairs.  I scream.  The heavy breathing starts.  The bird hears and flies back across where it came from.  I scream again, "Oh, God!"  I run down a few stairs.   Breathe.  I need in my office.  Maybe it won't fly by this time.  Breathe.   I sneak up a few steps.   I hear fluttering.  I tense.  I shake.  It lands at the top of the stairs.  I whine, "I can't, I can't, I can't, no". each time attempting to take the next step.  I take a very slow step upward.  It moves.  I run away.  The girls will have to practice without their tambourines and candy.  I can't.  By now I'm crying.  I get in my car.  Call my best friend.  I. Can't. Breathe.  She can't figure out what I'm saying.   Finally, she hears the word bird, and understands.  I told her it wasn't necessary for her to come save me, I left, but thanks for letting me have a panic attack over the phone.  

Not a good start to my month.  

You see, I have this irrational phobia of birds.  

Ornithophobia is a type of specific phobia, which is an abnormal and irrational fear of birds. The origin of the word ornitho is Greek (meaning bird) andphobia is Greek (meaning fear). The fear of birds is not uncommon, and it stems from the menacing, darker image of some birds of prey. Some people may only fear predatory birds, such as vultures, while others will even be afraid of household pets in the likes of budgies.^[1]

Sufferers of this phobia might fear that they will be attacked by a bird or may simply be uncomfortable around them. They would usually fear their fluttering wings, the way they move, the way they fearlessly fly towards people hoping for food, the texture of feathers, the fear of disease or any combination of these. Birds can also be loud, large and menacing, and they can demonstrate little fear of humans.^[2]

The phobia itself causes heart palpitations, sweating, nervousness, and avoidance behavior in those who suffer from Ornithophobia. Without treatmentthe phobia can become life-limiting. The fear of birds has been well-documented in films and poetry.

I have always said I hate the damn things.   places where the walk around under tables to get food are a nightmare for me.  I roll my windows up in my car when stopped and there are birds on nearby power lines, but I have never screamed and been thrown into a panic attack by one before.  I also have a tendency to put my arms over my head and quicken my pace when a swarm flies over.  I guess I've never had a bird with me in such a confined place before.  My phobia is a lot worse than I anticipated.  

Leah K.