February 10, 2013

• Love Parade (Stories 5,7,8,9, & 11)

  I think on my original list these are out of order.  CLB came before 7 seconds?  And then Married and then FS?  And this is an important theme for the segment. The reason I am grouping them all together.  It's all a little fuzzy from this time in my life.  Who knows what I'm leaving out.  

  Cool

  I just wanted to have fun.  I had just crashed and burned at the age of 18.  I was starting a new job at a coffee shop.  Trying to find some friends to live my life with.  I settled on a group of three fun guys.  Oh!  I forgot about the band!  That's how it all started.  I went to their band practice.  Cool wasn't in the band so we sat together and watched.  Cool had dated the whole town.  I didn't really see any reason not to get a little fun out of him.  We got along well.  We meshed.  But he liked those hot and heavy relationships. You know, where the girl thinks she can't breathe without you.  That's not me.  So it didn't last long.  Just long enough for me to find a new love for the Incubus CD he gave me.  Still one of my favorites.  I have flash backs when I hear...  "I'm floating down a river.."  

  Story 6 to come later.  

  CLB

  I was about to turn 19.  CLB was a sweet talker.  He lived in this amazing house (one I still wish I could live in) with his roommate.  Damn his roommate was hot.  And, he could sing the best rendition of Rich Young Dumb Nymphomaniac you've ever heard.  But, seeing as how I was sitting in CLB's lap for this rendition his roommate is not the point of my story.  I ended up in CLB's lap often.  He's a big guy.  I am not big.  I feel smaller than usual with him.  He picks me up and carries me around like I'm his little toy.  He mixes my drinks.  And he talks.  And he plays guitar.  And he sings.  And then he talks.  He showers me with, "you're so beautiful"s  and calls me sugar.  And he talks.  When my birthday is a couple weeks past, my brain suddenly pops on.  It had been subdued by the massages and songs.  And the talking.  But, I finally listened, and realized I can't stand this.  I'm not a little trophy you are congratulating yourself for.  Please, just stop talking about how awesome you are.  I totally shut the poor guy down.  Stopped answering texts.  No explanation.  I have apologized since.

  7 seconds

  Ugh.  I can't even explain myself.   The whole time, I was thinking "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?"  If the card would have indicated the guy on the right instead of left it probably would have been him instead. I look back now, and I think, that's when you should have noticed you were a wreck.  But I didn't.  I was content to let myself feel like somebody, anybody liked me, wanted me.  Even 7 seconds.  Even though I had no intention of having an actual relationship.  

  Married 

  Married wasn't married anymore.  I wanted him when he was married.  I watched him play his guitar for his daughter, and I melted.  So a year later, when I ran into him newly unmarried I was already gone.  However, I was not one of his priorities.  And as said above, relationships and I weren't really on good terms.  This one just faded away.  

  FS

  He was there.  Right there.  Sitting next to me on the couch.  Sitting next to me on the bench in front of Olive Garden. Laying next to me on top of a picnic table at the lake. Talking and laughing.  Being interested in my life.  Being interested in me.  I was stupid.  I was young.  I didn't realize what it was that you were supposed want.  The guy that's there is always better than the guy you think you want to be there, but isn't.  I don't really care about the other floats in the parade.  They can stay just as they are.  They can parade with all their splendor right down Main.  I own them.  But this one, I want back.  Not as in, I want this guy in the future.  I want this moment in the past back to change it.  I think both of our futures would have been completely different even if we didn't last.  

  Leah K.

  • 3:28 am
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