February 20, 2013

• Journal Entry

  I'm proud of myself for finishing the Love Parade.  

  One of the things I am best at is denial.  I deny my feelings.  I deny things that happen.  I push past relationships out of my head never to be thought of.  

  That is one of the reasons I repeat the same people over and over.   The hurt.  The reasons we didn't work the first time.  I shut it out.  I don't forget or forgive.  I ignore.  This really means I am lying to myself.  I tell myself things are not a big deal.  I don't learn from my mistakes.  

  My mistakes?  For a long time I have refused to examine my mistakes.  For being such an introspective person, I have failed when it comes to relationships.   I have examined why I work in the field I work in.  I have examined why I suck at school.  I have examined how I feel about my parents and my childhood.  Everyday, I criticize myself for my shortcomings as a mom and as a teacher.  I do not, however, think about how to have better relationships or what went wrong with the ones I already had.  

  One clue on this subject was the complete lack of Xanga entries about these guys.   Xanga is where I come to figure things out.  It's where I come to put my thoughts in order.  Yet, I don't use it to resolve my relationship issues.   And boy do I need some resolution.  I go from completely avoiding the spark on a daily basis to jumping head first into a fire asking to get burned.  The fires have slowly evolved into larger and larger infernos.  (this girl is on fiiiiyaaa!)  

  OK.  Here I go.   

  So, what went wrong?   with 2-12, I was searching for the wrong thing.   I wanted that surface romance.  He thinks I'm pretty.  He likes the same music.  We have fun, and laugh all the time, and do silly things.  We don't believe the same things.  We don't want the same things out of life.  Our views of family and money and home are not even discussed.  We run on the assumption that getting along is what matters.  Getting along seems to be the least important aspect to me now.  I don't count #1 in that category because we actually did get deep.  We knew/know each other so well it was never a surprise how we wanted our lives to end up.  The getting along was a problem sometimes.  Our personalities are contradicting.   

  So what is my excuse for FS and my second sashay with Lance?  These are the ones that really worry me.  I know that I approached these relationships in opposing ways.  With Lance I trusted his words.  I trusted his motives when I knew better, and I shouldn't have because I was wrong.  On the other hand, I doubted every positive thing FS said to me.  I was untrusting of his proclamations of affection.  I didn't put weight on them.  I didn't return them, and therefore didn't hold him accountable.   I still don't know for sure if it was truth or just empty words.  At one point I actually thought it was all an act and was a calculated attempt just to hurt me.  The stupid truth is that Lance has given me every reason to mistrust him, and FS has given me none.   My draw to Lance was the real possibility of meshing our lives together.  How easily he would take care of me, and we would work together.   My draw to FS was this dream life he possessed.   He could take me places.  Something completely different than the life I'm living, and a lot closer to the life I always dreamed about.  A little bit unrealistic, and unattainable.  

  So for the future?

  I need someone who wants the same life I do.  And maybe I don't know what that is yet.  And maybe I'm completely wrong.   If it's all about the trust and openness, I'm screwed.  

  This might be why I never do this.  I can't ever conclude anything.  I can't figure out the secret.  Useless introspection is not nice.  

  Leah K.

  • 1:03 am
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