Month: November 2012

  • Journal Entry

    I am forever standing in this sea.

    Feeling it circle around my ankles.

    Almost unaware of water's potential to rise.

    Until it prohibits my movements.  

    Weighing me down.

    My efforts becoming an unwelcome labor.

    Willing me not to resist.

    Threatening to envelope me.

    I entertain the thought of allowing it.

    Sometimes I do.

    Once I go under the fight grows long.

    Drowning.

    Lately I have been the stronger adversary.

    Mostly through denial of the other's strength.

    The sea will only ebb when I triumph.

    The water receding once again.

    But always present and waiting. 

     

     

    The Sea of Failure and Worthlessness.

     

     

    Leah K.

  • definition

     the process or result of becoming cultured, knowledgeable, or disillusioned; especially : cultivationurbanity

    3
    : the process or result of becoming more complex, developed, or subtle
     

    tr to make (someone) less natural or innocent, as by education

     

    Chinese were born ... with an accumulated wisdom, a natural sophistication, an intelligent naivete, and unless they were transplanted too young, these qualities ripened in them.... If ever I am homesick for China, now that I am home in my own country, it is when I discover here no philosophy. Our people have opinions and creeds and prejudices and ideas but as yet no philosophy.


    Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/search/sophistication?page=1#EoVAEyPxdZS6Bm7y.99

     

     

    One thing I don't think you can ever say about america, "Aren't the Americans sophisticated."     No.   Even the educated and the rich who have access to sophistication choose to remain closed to it.  Yes, they may have the newest technologies, the most expensive taste but only to obtain power and social recognition.   It even seems as though the regular man shuns sophistication.  They view it as a corruption.  I will gladly be corrupted. 
     
    Leah K.

  • nightmares entry

         It was my first day in a new field.  My day was full of social anxiety being with all these new people I didn't know.  In this last class, I walk in to meet the professor.  He's the reason I entered this program.  He had helped me get accepted based on potential he thought I possessed.  I was already behind.  The rest of the class had already formed their bond and been through certain projects together.  I found myself sitting at the front of the room with the rest of the class at my back.  I was informed our work was due the next week, but before then we had a test on Saturday.  The look on my face must have been awful because my professor ensures me I will get more time.  So much for the other students accepting me.  

         We adjourn to a meeting room.  I was going to have to deal with these meetings daily.  Everyone in the program was required to be there for the board to make sure we were all on the same page.  Keep your knowledge and secrets guarded.  Learn as quickly as possible.  Strive to keep everything moving forward.  Be careful to not make mistakes.  All this mentioned in a casual cocktail atmosphere.  I was trying to keep to myself.  At every turn was a potential conflict.  You see, I was married to one of the board members.  His 4th wife.  The 2nd wife and I happened to both be in love with the professor. 

         Things turned bad quickly.  We were under attack.  End of the World style take over.  We were all dragged away.  Our first stop was a propaganda lesson.  Sometime during the course of the lesson some of our company were able to escape.  The professor included.  The 2nd wife and I were sequestered away near each other.   The only way to escape was on foot, and the only place to escape to was the woods.  They treated me well.  One of the guards even offered to get books out of my car for me to read.  Little did he know that wasn't my car, and the book was way more valuable.  One evening, while the attackers were running drills we were able to meet with my husband.  He told the 2nd wife and I that the professor had gotten away, and also another couple who escaped in the other direction.  He assured us, they were all working together against our captors.  Not fast enough.   

         I had attracted notice.  I was called on to entertain one of the officers for dinner.  They put us together with the head of their operation and his entertainment.  Problems arose when his entertainment was not content to do what was bid him.   Soon I had blood splattered on me, and vomit around my feet.  We were struggling to break free of the camp.  Success was eluding us. 

     

     

     

        Luci was attending a new school.  It was an elite establishment. A new teacher. Only a few other children in her class.   They didn't allow absences.  Unless there was a death in the family.   We wanted Luci to be able to spend some time with her Aunt Laura who had come to visit.  The way my mother solved the problem?  

         She brought a cough drop to the table. Unwrapped it.  Laid it down.  Turned around and came back with a dagger.  Laura and I were somewhat confused.  How does crushing a cough drop with a dagger help our situation?  Then Gary came around the corner.  Mom stabbed the dagger all the way into his back.  If they need proof of a death in the family, we will give them proof of a death in the family.  What?  The thing was, he didn't die.   He would eventually from this injury, but not any time soon.   Mom decided to poison him as well.  And as she did this she convinced him to tell everyone he had forced her to do it.  When the poison kicked in, I took him to their bedroom.  Mom kept him in there.  She said she couldn't let people know that he was dead, yet.  The house was up for sale.  Someone was coming by to view it.   It was my job to keep her away from the bedroom.   She remarked about the smell.  I made some excuse.  I was sent to buy some supplies.  Some hard questions were asked and we were almost given away.  I was growing very weary.  

     

     

     

    Recital was about to start.  I had forgotten to get someone to video.  So I picked someone out of the crowd.  The dances began.  A few dances in I realized I didn't make programs.  The audience didn't know which dancers would be next.  About halfway through I had a number that involved singing.   A few audience members stood up and left.  More followed.  Why are they leaving!  It's not over!  I thought maybe if I got out in front of the stage, they would know we were still performing. by the time I turned around to look. They were all gone.   Every chair was empty.  A few students came up to me to ask if it was over.  No!  You haven't finished your dances.  Then their mother came to take them home.   I couldn't believe it.  How could all these people just leave! 

     

    Leah K.   

    Let my sleep be a little more pleasant tonight. 

  • Dream Entry

    I had a dream last night I got the new phone I wanted.   I saw it at Best Buy the other day.  It has a big screen to watch videos.  I believe it was a new Android.  Anyway, in my dream I got a blue one.  I went through the process of letting everyone know my new number.   The process of eliminating contacts.  I'm a contact hoarder, so it's difficult.   Then my new phone story turned into a murder story.  With people being thrown out of windows. People going to prison.  Cover ups, and secrets.  And my phone helped me through it all.   sigh. I want one.  

    Leah K.

  • Journal?

    If you have time.

     

    Time is something I have.

    Whether I have anything else to offer is uncertain.

    Not sure I can breech the surface.  

    Will I listen, and laugh, and smile?

    Yes.

    While keeping all of myself withheld.  

    You can't have my trust, or my truths.

    But, you can have my time.  

     

     

    How can that be all you desire?  

    What is it, you think you can take from me?

    Maybe you like that I am empty.

    No reason to give of yourself.  

    Your time with me easily spared.  

    Why ask at all?  

    If you want me to care about your truths.

    Tell me one, and ask again.

    How about.

     

    If you would like to. 

     

     

    -bbgirl?   What the hell is a bbgirl?   If you are comparing me to a bb gun, I'm a little more powerful.  

     

    So, is this what guys are always talking about?  How girls take one little thing that a guy says, and they analyze what the hell it might mean.  When, really it doesn't mean anything to them.  Just like the girl doesn't mean anything to them.  

    Leah K.

  • Dream Entry

    Sickness Nightmares....

    I've been sick for 11 full days, and it doesn't seem like I will be well tomorrow.

    For 7 straight days I took more pills than I have ever taken in my life.  2 Tylenol here.  Psuedophedrine during the daytime Benedryl to sleep.  Allegra every 24 hrs. Ibuprofen time...  Someone kill me.   Your voice sounds weird, Miss Leah!  The better to eat you with.. I mean,  can I go home now?   

    So the first nightmare?  Tuesday night.   I dreamed I was pregnant.  That in itself is a horrible dream, but every time I dream I am pregnant it has to have all kinds of complications that go with it.  This time I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 5 months along and then the baby died.  It was the falling apart baby theme, again.  While it was inside me, I could feel the different body parts drifting away from each other.  I don't remember much more of the dream.  I know there was baby daddy drama.  I'm pretty sure I was living with my sister, or at least staying with her and so we were already taking care of 3 kids.  I think I was dating someone new, and yet  I was going to end up having the same baby daddy. Also, I didn't have sex with him, I had sex with someone else entirely.  I woke up the next morning, and it wasn't until a few days later I thought.  Of course I had that dream.  One of the books I'm reading involves a girl not knowing she was pregnant until she was 5 months and then loses the baby.  

    Next.  The Flamenco skirts.  I needed 10 flamenco skirts for my Spanish class to wear in recital.  I needed somewhere to have recital.  I had to please everyone.  Miss Dixie and Miss Sandy were there.  A lot of the dream was spent in this huge warehouse of a costume shop.  They had a few skirts but none of them were the same color.  I thought maybe I could make them, but that many yards of fabric is impossible to buy.  Then, it started raining, and the warehouse was flooding. It was the middle of the night and I was getting lost.  I was aware that there were other people in there as well, but I knew they were not my friends.  Anyway, morning came.  Recital happened.  I woke up, and crap.  This dream is completely true.  I need 10 flamenco skirts and a place for recital.  I have to please everybody.  

    And Last night....  hahaha.  I ended up dreaming of tigers.  One was named Sally.  The other Honeydew.  One orange and one white, respectively.  I came upon hard times and had to uproot them from their home.  I had to lock them up, and I was trying to get them free.   I had to figure out how to feed them.  My poor tigers.  craziness.  I'm not sure about that one.  

     

    I'd rather have the tiger dream than the others, but It was still a dream full of tension and worry.  I'm exhausted.  I want sleep.  I can't sleep because I'm completely uncomfortable.  Miserable.  

    Leah K.