my love.  piano and pas de deux.  

“Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)” 
― Sylvia Plath

This was a poem I loved when I read it in school.  I came across it today, and I didn't want to just let it fade away again.  One of the reasons I read The Bell Jar.  I love Sylvia.

Leah K.

Accommodating

willing to please : helpful, obliging

accommodating - helpful in bringing about a harmonious adaptation

obliging - showing a cheerful willingness to do favors for others

This hasn't been a positive thing in my life all the time.   Like Today.  It has been stupid today.   And last weekend.  And the weekend before.  And at work.  I don't want to make this situation comfortable for you by sacrificing my comfort or my daughter's comfort.  I also don't want this situation to be more comfortable for your children at the expense of their benefit in the long run.  But I am this way, and I don't just not say no.  I say yes and how would you like it.    What's best for you?  

Leah K.

I'm proud of myself for finishing the Love Parade.  

One of the things I am best at is denial.  I deny my feelings.  I deny things that happen.  I push past relationships out of my head never to be thought of.  

That is one of the reasons I repeat the same people over and over.   The hurt.  The reasons we didn't work the first time.  I shut it out.  I don't forget or forgive.  I ignore.  This really means I am lying to myself.  I tell myself things are not a big deal.  I don't learn from my mistakes.  

My mistakes?  For a long time I have refused to examine my mistakes.  For being such an introspective person, I have failed when it comes to relationships.   I have examined why I work in the field I work in.  I have examined why I suck at school.  I have examined how I feel about my parents and my childhood.  Everyday, I criticize myself for my shortcomings as a mom and as a teacher.  I do not, however, think about how to have better relationships or what went wrong with the ones I already had.  

One clue on this subject was the complete lack of Xanga entries about these guys.   Xanga is where I come to figure things out.  It's where I come to put my thoughts in order.  Yet, I don't use it to resolve my relationship issues.   And boy do I need some resolution.  I go from completely avoiding the spark on a daily basis to jumping head first into a fire asking to get burned.  The fires have slowly evolved into larger and larger infernos.  (this girl is on fiiiiyaaa!)  

OK.  Here I go.   

So, what went wrong?   with 2-12, I was searching for the wrong thing.   I wanted that surface romance.  He thinks I'm pretty.  He likes the same music.  We have fun, and laugh all the time, and do silly things.  We don't believe the same things.  We don't want the same things out of life.  Our views of family and money and home are not even discussed.  We run on the assumption that getting along is what matters.  Getting along seems to be the least important aspect to me now.  I don't count #1 in that category because we actually did get deep.  We knew/know each other so well it was never a surprise how we wanted our lives to end up.  The getting along was a problem sometimes.  Our personalities are contradicting.   

So what is my excuse for FS and my second sashay with Lance?  These are the ones that really worry me.  I know that I approached these relationships in opposing ways.  With Lance I trusted his words.  I trusted his motives when I knew better, and I shouldn't have because I was wrong.  On the other hand, I doubted every positive thing FS said to me.  I was untrusting of his proclamations of affection.  I didn't put weight on them.  I didn't return them, and therefore didn't hold him accountable.   I still don't know for sure if it was truth or just empty words.  At one point I actually thought it was all an act and was a calculated attempt just to hurt me.  The stupid truth is that Lance has given me every reason to mistrust him, and FS has given me none.   My draw to Lance was the real possibility of meshing our lives together.  How easily he would take care of me, and we would work together.   My draw to FS was this dream life he possessed.   He could take me places.  Something completely different than the life I'm living, and a lot closer to the life I always dreamed about.  A little bit unrealistic, and unattainable.  

So for the future?

I need someone who wants the same life I do.  And maybe I don't know what that is yet.  And maybe I'm completely wrong.   If it's all about the trust and openness, I'm screwed.  

This might be why I never do this.  I can't ever conclude anything.  I can't figure out the secret.  Useless introspection is not nice.  

Leah K.

#4, #11, #14, #16, #18.       

I keep on fallin'
In and out of love 
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes u make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused

I listened to this song today.  I thought it fit.  

FS

I have written posts about this guy on previous occasions.  FS stands for Feng Shui because he's fluent in Cantonese.  Then I turned it into Fifty Shades.  Let's add Fucking Sucks.  I was a very bad girl in my last post and actually gave away his real identity.   I'm tempted to do it again.  I'll just say that it wouldn't be a very difficult xanga archive scavenger hunt.  

#4.   I wanted you to be my prom date.  Your friend asked me first.   How was I supposed to know, you planned to ask me?  Too late.  

#11.  Best friend ever.  I love you.  I miss you.

#14.  Blast from the past.  You turned out awesome.  And very far away.  The two Time Zone difference worked for us.  Me the night owl, you the early to bed. We got to go on a date!  A real one, in the same town.  It was a great happy night, and then you left the next day.   And you were really gone again.  

#16.   Far away in the other direction.  Time Zone screwed.   We came within fingertip distance and missed each other.  Gone again.

#18.   You have sufficiently screwed my ability to look for a real relationship.  I need you in my life.  Again, we come fingertip distance apart, and yet so damn far.  I can't believe I didn't even see you this time around.   Drop me like a hot potato.  Bye, again.  

He's a busy boy with 5 floats in the parade.

My next post will hopefully be when I examine what this parade means.  And Also to convey how I feel about all of this.  

Valentine's day wasn't wonderful.

Leah K.

#6

2006.  I was trying to get used to the idea of life back in this town.   My plans of never living here again were entirely too short lived.  I made up my mind to make it enjoyable.   One plus side was being in the same town as Trishy.  I could count on never being left alone with myself too long.  Important, since I hated myself.  Well, Baby Daddy was a friend of hers.  He went to elementary school with us.  Then he went back and forth doing home-school mostly.  He went to church with Trishy.  He was also Senior's best friend for 10 years.  Giraffe was also a mutual friend of ours.  I knew him.  I decided I wanted to date him.  I made Trishy invite me to church.  A tiny little Church of Christ.  They were having a scavenger hunt for the young adults.  We divided into teams.  Trishy and Baby Daddy are my team!  I offered him the passenger seat of my car, and I turned up my charm to 11.  

In no time we were going on double dates with Trishy and Creeper (the name fits).  I know it's a little outdated, but we would send each other emails.  long, long emails.  We went out pretty often, I thought.  But, I was a little confused when it never became more often.  I never knew when he was going to call.  Or show up.  Or not.  We never failed to have a good time when he did.  I spent a lot of my time in the crazy sitting by the phone mindset.  When's he gonna call?  Maybe he doesn't like me, after all.  Maybe he only calls me when he's bored. (truth).  Maybe I should check my email.  Maybe I'll go to church with Trishy this Sunday....  And then he would call.  Or I would get an email.  Or we would sit next to each other at church.  He would show up at my job.   And I was ok.  I hated him, but I was so enamored with him. (marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness).  So much so that when I didn't hear from him for a while, I went on a man spree of numbers 7-11 in the span of a few months.  Turned out the guy was actually unable to contact me for legitimate reasons.   Which made the next part all the worse.  

He was back.  Back in church.  Back in the world.  His Birthday was the next week.  I was fully expecting a call, or something.  Boy was I wrong.  

Tell me why I am awake at 3:23 am... I could sleep but I… | leahKtutu on Xanga

I'm still not over it.. | leahKtutu on Xanga

I'm not really sure how finding out he was with Abs could so severely break my heart, but I was beyond hurt.  It was painful.  Your heart doesn't break.  A break sounds quick, and a simple fix.  Your heart rips and tears in big jolts over a period of time.  Each new revelation etching its' mark, causing its' pain.  

What happened to this girl?   (I came across this doing research on Trishy's facebook.)  This is actually from the next year during story #12, but it was my favorite.

Leah K.

Chops and Challenger.   

#2

I was a band nerd.  Though the school was so small, the band was pretty large.  So, even some of the cool kids put on marching band uniforms.  Chops was one of those guys.  He was among the elite group of guys that were in the class above mine.  I remember the first day of band as a freshman, and somehow ending up in a conversation with Chops and his friend King (the king of the school).  "You're Lindsey's little sister, right?"  "Well, my name is Leah, but yeah."  "I was in love with her! She almost took me to Prom! Tell her, King says hey."   This was another reason I never got a boyfriend.  Who wants to date the younger sister when you have a crush on the older hot one.  Anyway, I got to know Chops over the next three years.  

The summer after he graduated, my friend, Sexy, started dating his friend, TV.  I had just gone through that ridiculous break-up with Lance.   I fully committed to the break up philosophy of, "He doesn't know what he's missing." So, when Sexy was invited to a party at Chops' house with TV, I was all over it.   Sexy didn't have that nickname for no reason.  And it's not just made-up for this post.  That was her contact in my phone for 3 years.  So with her shirt, and her make-up to help me there was no risk of becoming the third wheel.  So while TV and Sexy were having a drama filled night in Chops' room, we were perfectly content in the living room.  That is until the rest of the party goers threw jello shots at my windshield for sport.  

I'm not sure if I really learned my lesson on this night, or not. But, I knew it didn't make me feel any better.  This is why I made that promise to myself for the next year.    Senior year would be about fun, not guys.  

#17

So, did I learn my lesson?  Fast forward 8 years.  It's Challenger's birthday.  His fiance broke up with him a few months previous.  He hadn't gotten back in the game. We all go out together most weekends.  Cancun, Bud, Bestie, Little bro, Challenger, and I.  Bud is always trying to hook me up with Challenger.  I thought, "What the hell! It's his birthday. He needs to get laid.  I haven't gotten laid in 4 years.  Win win?"   While it fulfilled it's purpose to change my status from only having sex with one person in my life, it failed in making me feel better.  I always felt a little angry that Baby Daddy still held that claim over me.  His number was so big, but he was my only.  I wasn't about to let it stay that way any longer.  But I chose a horrible time, and a horrible person, for a horrible reason.  It sort of makes me wish for #3 to hurry up, but that is just as stupid.  

And, I think I'm done.  This was my last meaningless float in the parade.  I want to get to the grand finale.  No more repeats.  No more crepe paper. Let's break out the roses.  

Leah K.

I think on my original list these are out of order.  CLB came before 7 seconds?  And then Married and then FS?  And this is an important theme for the segment. The reason I am grouping them all together.  It's all a little fuzzy from this time in my life.  Who knows what I'm leaving out.  

Cool

I just wanted to have fun.  I had just crashed and burned at the age of 18.  I was starting a new job at a coffee shop.  Trying to find some friends to live my life with.  I settled on a group of three fun guys.  Oh!  I forgot about the band!  That's how it all started.  I went to their band practice.  Cool wasn't in the band so we sat together and watched.  Cool had dated the whole town.  I didn't really see any reason not to get a little fun out of him.  We got along well.  We meshed.  But he liked those hot and heavy relationships. You know, where the girl thinks she can't breathe without you.  That's not me.  So it didn't last long.  Just long enough for me to find a new love for the Incubus CD he gave me.  Still one of my favorites.  I have flash backs when I hear...  "I'm floating down a river.."  

Story 6 to come later.  

CLB

I was about to turn 19.  CLB was a sweet talker.  He lived in this amazing house (one I still wish I could live in) with his roommate.  Damn his roommate was hot.  And, he could sing the best rendition of Rich Young Dumb Nymphomaniac you've ever heard.  But, seeing as how I was sitting in CLB's lap for this rendition his roommate is not the point of my story.  I ended up in CLB's lap often.  He's a big guy.  I am not big.  I feel smaller than usual with him.  He picks me up and carries me around like I'm his little toy.  He mixes my drinks.  And he talks.  And he plays guitar.  And he sings.  And then he talks.  He showers me with, "you're so beautiful"s  and calls me sugar.  And he talks.  When my birthday is a couple weeks past, my brain suddenly pops on.  It had been subdued by the massages and songs.  And the talking.  But, I finally listened, and realized I can't stand this.  I'm not a little trophy you are congratulating yourself for.  Please, just stop talking about how awesome you are.  I totally shut the poor guy down.  Stopped answering texts.  No explanation.  I have apologized since.

7 seconds

Ugh.  I can't even explain myself.   The whole time, I was thinking "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?"  If the card would have indicated the guy on the right instead of left it probably would have been him instead. I look back now, and I think, that's when you should have noticed you were a wreck.  But I didn't.  I was content to let myself feel like somebody, anybody liked me, wanted me.  Even 7 seconds.  Even though I had no intention of having an actual relationship.  

Married 

Married wasn't married anymore.  I wanted him when he was married.  I watched him play his guitar for his daughter, and I melted.  So a year later, when I ran into him newly unmarried I was already gone.  However, I was not one of his priorities.  And as said above, relationships and I weren't really on good terms.  This one just faded away.  

FS

He was there.  Right there.  Sitting next to me on the couch.  Sitting next to me on the bench in front of Olive Garden. Laying next to me on top of a picnic table at the lake. Talking and laughing.  Being interested in my life.  Being interested in me.  I was stupid.  I was young.  I didn't realize what it was that you were supposed want.  The guy that's there is always better than the guy you think you want to be there, but isn't.  I don't really care about the other floats in the parade.  They can stay just as they are.  They can parade with all their splendor right down Main.  I own them.  But this one, I want back.  Not as in, I want this guy in the future.  I want this moment in the past back to change it.  I think both of our futures would have been completely different even if we didn't last.  

Leah K.

Lance was the first person I wanted to call when I discovered I was pregnant.   A few months later, he informed me there was a baby in his immediate future, as well.  I remember driving by as white chairs were set out in his front yard and people arrived to witness him marry Katrina.  I remember changing into sweat pants and an Extra Extra Large T-shirt and laying on my couch trying not to bust.  When his daughter was born, I gave her Luci's old clothes.  I dropped off extra formula for them at the end of the month.  I invited them to Luci's 1st birthday.  Katrina and baby girl arrived without Lance.  

I was a newly single Mommy.  The ring finger of my left hand felt wonderfully free.  My baby girl could walk and tell me what she wanted.  I had successfully climbed out of my year and a half long depression, and entered into life again.  My phone rang in the middle of supper one evening.  "Katrina and I are over."  What a coincidence!  me too. We caught up.  Time for him to cry in my lap again.  Time to get to know each other in this new life.  We start an actual friendship again.  I couldn't count the number of times he went crawling back to Katrina.  Only for the sake of the baby, he claimed.  Luci and I attended her 1st Birthday.  A completely awkward few hours where I sat on Lance's right side and she sat on his left.  There are pictures to document the fiasco.  On the nights he doesn't see his daughter he is usually drinking. I am his drunk dial.  If I heard him say he always loved me, no matter who he happened to be with at the time, I would punch him in the face. Again.  I stood up for myself a little more this time around.  I told him it didn't mean anything if he kept choosing to be with someone else.  But, of course that falls on drunk ears.  Somehow on New Years I find myself going out with him and Jones.  I should have probably forfeited my night away from Luci, but I stayed with Lance instead.  

Then, that horrible day happened.  Miss Dixie had fallen.  I had shown up to teach and she never came into the studio.  The door was locked connecting to her house.  I had to continue class, and worry, and call for help, and deal with students' questions.  As soon as I turned on my car to come home, I was calling him.  I found my self crying into his chest.  A place I kept coming back to over the next few weeks while I dealt with the added pressure at work.  He came by to see Luci and I on his lunches.  Called every night after the girls were asleep.  Usually to discuss the divorce plans.  Hanging up the phone with an 'I love you'  which felt natural and truthful in contrast to other people I had heard it from.  If only that was what mattered.  By the end of February he was "going to give it another try with Katrina".  He hoped I understood.  

I told him that I understood, and I was proud of him for going back to his wife.  I didn't tell him he should have left me alone in the first place.  Or that I understood he had been with Katrina on Valentine's Day and didn't have the guts to tell me goodbye two weeks sooner.  I didn't tell him his "we can still be friends" speech was useless.  Not because we couldn't, but because his wife was about to make him fall of the face of the planet, again.  Never to speak to me... Until a year later when he called to say he had filed for divorce again.  I replied with a "that's nice", and I wasn't surprised when they were still married later on.  I've gotten the same call two more times.  The last time was the most recent Christmas debacle.  Involving Katrina aiming a shot gun at Lance's chest with baby girl (now 4) in the next room.    Right now, my guess is they are still miserably, hatefully married.  

I needed him for some crazy reason 3 years ago.  Now, I know there is no way he could ever be what I needed.  And when I went through that Miss Dixie fall again only half a year later, the thought crossed my mind to call him.  I no longer needed him.  Or anyone to help me through.  I let my tears fall on my own chest.  

Leah K.

I don't remember how Lance came back into my life.   It was somewhere in the second half of my 18th year. I'm sure we passed each other on the street somewhere along the way.  I remember it happened slowly.  A conversation on the side of the road.  A random visit to Cold Stone where I worked.  Weeks in between the run-ins.  Somehow we got to the point of actually hanging out as friends.  He would help me get finished at work so I could get off earlier.  Then, we would gather people up and head out for a bonfire.  Or, end up on the roof again, this time with more friends around.  I remember jumping into Jones's pool with all our clothes on.  The unfortunate (or fortunate depending on how you look at it) night when I ended up playing Circle of Death with 4 guys and fell on my face trying to do a handstand push up.  It was working out.  Lance was dating Cooper again.  They were pretty serious.  I was just one of the guys.  A place I was comfortable.  

Then, he had to screw it up.  We started spending more time together just the two of us.  He tried to wear me down and replace my no answers with yeses.  I wasn't that stupid.  As long as he had a girlfriend I wasn't about to say yes.  And he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend unless I said yes.  So, no.  Jackass.  But, I was there when he called to cry on my shoulder (or in my lap, really) if the need arose.  That is until it was time for him to disappear again.  

Leah K.