Month: June 2013

  • Xanga Entry!!!!!

    I'm finally ready to do this.

     My first xanga entry was in December of 2004.  http://leahktutu.xanga.com/179727570/item/

    Since then I have made 793 posts.  So, this will make post 795 in Leahktutu's xanga.  

    If you look at my archives you will see there is a gap from July 2007 to August of 2010.  This was my dark period.  I was also missing from Facebook for part of that time.  My phone records were pretty sparse then, as well.  I was in a depression and I was closed off from almost all other human beings.   While I was away, everyone left xanga.  Of the people on my friends list only one was still posting. I did not even know him in real life, and he has since disappeared.  I was perfectly happy posting almost everyday to no footprints.  I poured all the pent up thoughts and words I hadn't expressed over the previous years in a safe place.  I have always written journals.  I keep them.  I re-read them.  Just like I re-read books.  I've read through my xanga archives a couple of times.  I have a tendency to visit certain posts.  Mostly my "leah writes" tags.  

     When I read The Xanga Team's post about the possible dissolving of my blog, I was not happy.  Xanga and I have had our moments.  I get upset when things change.  Like the theme stuff.   It took me a while to figure out the new stuff and it seems to be less individualized than it used to be.  I also miss the song database that I used to be able to link to to play music for my visitors.  Then I had all kinds of issues with the audio blog and the video blog.  BUT!  Xanga is definitely the place for me.  The blogging experience gives me exactly what I want.  I can stay hidden and have people read my blog at the same time.  It's extremely personal, and I feel like the other bloggers are real people.  And, I often find out that they are actually real people.  I still don't know if they are going to reach their fundraising goal.  I really couldn't afford the member fee.  I was prepared to download all my archives print them and turn my xanga into a few journals.  Of course, I will have to do this if xanga closes.  BUT!!!!!  Now the awesome part!!

    I got the best news earlier!  I received a message that I was the winner of the free year's subscription of xanga 2.0!!!!  You see, @Marica0701 had a fundraiser on her Etsy.  And it happened to fall on the week of my daughter's birthday.  I bought Luci a purple dream catcher to put beside her bed, and entered in the contest.   YAY!!!  This is amazing!  My only problem now is if @hangingbyamoment isn't on xanga 2.0 I will be very sad.  

    I was going to be a lost xangan, and now I am saved!  woohoo!  

    Leah K.

  • journal entry

    Hello, Xanga, it's been a long time.   (points if you sang that in the right melody)   

    Well, I have had some time to examine some new things about myself, recently.  Me being in a relationship is different.  It has made me notice that I identify more with masculine stereotypes than with the girl ones.  I'm going to begin my examples with the giving of directions.  When you think of a woman giving directions, you think she will say something like...  "You turn right by Target and Kohls then head towards Starbucks."  When a man gives directions you will expect him to say, "Turn right on Richmond Road, then left on Mall Drive, it's on your right."   

    This is me giving directions to Lance.  "You turn right and go over the University Overpass."  "The what?"  "The overpass on University."  "Why don't you just tell me when to turn."   

    "You come into town on Summerhill.  Well, 59 where it turns into Summerhill.  At the first Stoplight, I think it's Third or Fourth Street, turn right."  "wait a minute, come into town where?"  "The street you live off of.  You come to the first stoplight.  Fourth Street.  Turn Right and it's up there on the Right."   "OK, you are going to have to give me a little more."  "Downtown, Broad Street and Main?"  "Do you mean by the Library."  "YES! across the street from the Library. Sorry, my brain doesn't work that way."  

    They say men give directions with street names, and women with landmarks.   Well, sorry.  

    Also, with the affection.  Women are usually the ones doling out the warm fuzzies to the man, right?  Not me.  I do good to just reply to most of them.  And, what the hell are pet names?  You'd think with all my nicknaming here I would be able to come up with something.  But I will never utter words like "sugar bear"  or... I'm drawing a blank.  See.  So I'll stick with "My Sun and Stars."  A completely nerdy Game of Thrones reference. A novel about people's heads being cut off and put on spikes.  Really girly, let me tell ya.  

     

    Leah K.

  • You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone - Anna Kendrick

    I got my ticket for the long way 'round
    Two bottle whiskey for the way
    And I sure would like some sweet company
    And I'm leaving tomorrow, what-do-ya say?

    When I'm gone
    When I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me by my hair
    You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

    I've got my ticket for the long way 'round
    The one with the prettiest view
    It's got mountains, it's got rivers,
    It's got woods that give you shivers
    But it sure would be prettier with you

    When I'm gone
    When I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me by my walk
    You'll miss me by my talk, oh
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

    I've got my ticket for the long way 'round
    These feet weren't built to stay too long
    And I'll go there on my own,
    But you'll miss me when you're home
    It's for you dear that I sing this song

    When I'm gone
    When I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me by my hair
    You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

    When I'm gone
    When I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
    You're gonna miss me by my walk
    You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh
    You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

     

    Leah K.

     

    I will learn this song.  I will.

  • Day 30! Lyric Entry

    Reflection from Mulan

    Look at me, 
    I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter. 
    Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part?  
    Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself. 
    I would break my family's heart.
    Who is that girl I see? 
    Staring straight 
    back at me? 
    Why is my reflection someone I; don't know? 
    Some how I cannot hide, 
    Who I am. 
    Though I've tried. 
    When will my reflection show, who I am inside? 
    When will my reflection show? 
    Who I am? 
    Inside? 
    When will my reflection show, who I am, inside.

     

    Because Luci has decided on a Mulan Birthday....  Friday.   Mulan.  Which would be awesome if it were 1998 when the movie came out. Or she was considered a princess and was put on everything Disney.  But.  She's gone.  Mulan is nowhere to be found.  This mommy has some work to do.  

    Leah K.

  • Day 29/Journal entry

    The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to 

    my sister?  my mother?  Anyone really.   No one knows everything.  No one.  There is just too much.  

     

     

    Secrets.  Lies.  Denial

     

    I guess I am afraid.  I'm not really sure what I am afraid of.  There have been times in my life where I wanted to scream at my mother, "If you really knew me, you wouldn't hate me!"    I like to keep things for myself.   I like to reserve the right to change them.  I really like to snuggle up by myself in my little happinesses.  I like to be alone.  That includes being the only one who knows certain things.  I like that I've read books no one else I know has read.  I like to listen to music no one else is listening to.  I like to go places by myself and have no need to tell other people I have been there.   I have always been a 'lie of omission' kind of girl.   I guard my information.  My thoughts.  I know in some ways I'm afraid to share things because I believe it will mean they can be taken from me.  Or perverted in some way.  I can be fully happy without the judgement.  

    Leah K.

     

  • Day 28

    Someone that changed your life

     

     

    My Luci,  

          You flipped my life on it's ass.  I didn't know anything before you came along.   I was young and irresponsible and selfish.  I didn't know what I thought about anything or how I felt about life.  You have taught me everything.   You have taught me about what matters.  How the details sometimes mean everything and yet sometimes it's only the major points that will stick around.   How everything slips away so fast.  Change happens constantly.  You taught me I am strong.  I will be strong for you.  I know that with everything I am.   You taught me what love is.   I thought love and happiness were the same thing.  That's really the opposite of what it is.  Love is when you are in the worst pain of your life, and you put yourself willingly through more pain for someone else's benefit.  Without question.  Without hesitation.  Love is all consuming.  Without you, I think I would still be a mess.  The last 5 years have been a little messy, yes.  But, I am no longer a mess.  I'm no longer without roots.  Without purpose.  You are my future.  

    Mommy

  • Dancing Shoes - Green River Ordinance

    Put on your old black dress 
    And grab your dancing shoes. 
    Head out to the old bar Rose 
    and we'll dance away our blues. 
    Spent all week waiting 
    Now my mind's on you. 
    Hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 

    I'm so tired of the nine to five weighing down on my soul 
    Let's get out of all this uptown life and head out on the country road. 
    Forget about all the things that we can't make right 
    Put on a little Emmyloo, and we'll dance into the night. 

    Singing, hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 
    Hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 

    All we need is time, honey. 
    All we need is time. 

    Sit on the front porch, kick off your shoes. 

    We don't need nowhere to go, we don't need a tune. 
    In a world that gets lost in making plans, 
    just be my woman, yeah, and I will be your man. 

    All we need is time. 
    All we need is time. 

    Hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 
    Hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 
    Singing, hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 
    Hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you. 

    Put on your old black dress 
    And grab your dancing shoes. 
    Head out to the old bar Rose 
    and we'll dance away our blues

     

    Leah K.

  • Deny - Default

    Today I woke up and you were gone 
    The whole day wondering what I did wrong 
    It's like I'm falling from a mountaintop 
    My heart keeps pounding and it won't stop 

    Can you see this hell I'm living 
    I'm not giving up 

    Will you crawl to me 
    Will you fall with me 
    I'll never crawl to you 
    I've done it all for you 

    Well don't deny 
    The hand that feeds you needs you 
    Oh god I'd die to try to 
    Finally please you 

    There goes a piece of me 
    Will I cease to be 
    I've never lied to you 
    Fought bled and died for you 

    Well don't deny 
    The hand that takes you breaks you 
    Oh god I'd die to try to 
    Finally please you 

    There she goes and I'm on the ground, I'm on the ground, I'm on the 
    There she goes and I'm on the ground, I'm on the ground, I'm on the
    There she goes and I'm on the ground, I'm on the ground, I'm on the

     
    Well don't deny 
    The hand that feeds you needs you 
    Oh god I'd die to try to 
    Finally please you 

    Will you crawl to me 
    Will you fall with me 
    I've never crawled to you 
    I've done it all for you

     
     
     
     
    past and present alive in one song
     
    Leah K
  • Day 27

    The Friendliest Person You Knew For Only A Day

     

    Dude at Books a Million

    I'm glad I only knew you a day.  Good luck in your lifelong dream of becoming a movie star.   I appreciate you telling me how my body language showed you it would be a bad idea to start a conversation with me.  Because you see, you are studying body language and psychology to further your acting abilities.  My open book, buzzing phone, and bouncing foot are clues for you to practice on.   You're nice.  And very enthusiastic.  I appreciate the book recommendation.  See You in another life, Brotha.  

    Bookworm in chair #2

     

  • Does He Love You - Reba and Linda

     

    I've known about you for a while now
    When he leaves me, he wears a smile now
    As soon as he's away from me
    In your arms is where he wants to be

    But you're the one he rushes home to
    You're the one he gave his name to
    I never see his face in the early morning light
    You have his mornings, his daytime
    And sometimes, I have his nights

    But does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he loves me?
    (Like he loves me?)
    Does he think of you
    (Does he think of you)
    When he's holding me?

    And does he whisper
    (Does he whisper)
    All of his fantasies
    Does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he's been lovin' me?

    But when he's with me
    He says he needs me
    And that he wants me
    That he believes in me

    And when I'm in his arms
    Oh, he swears there's no one else
    Is he deceiving me
    Or am I deceiving myself

    But does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he loves me?
    (Like he loves me?)
    Does he think of you
    (Does he think of you)
    When he's holding me?

    And does he whisper
    (Does he whisper)
    Of his fantasies
    Does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he's been lovin me?

    I should not lose my temper
    (I should not be ashamed)
    'Cause I have everything to lose
    (And I, I have nothing to gain)

    But does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he loves me?
    (Like he loves me?)
    Does he think of you
    (Does he think of you)
    When he's holding me?

    And does he whisper
    (Does he whisper)
    Of his fantasies
    Does he love you
    (Does he love you)
    Like he's been lovin me?
    Oh, does he love you?

     

     Leah K.

     

    It's been a rough morning