To review 2012, all I really need to do is take a good look at the last few weeks.  A huge mess of my own making.

I was really ready to drive off into oblivion Friday December 21st.  I thought even if the world didn't end for everyone, the Mayans at least predicted the end of my world. 

I thought to myself, "I'm done! It's over."  I took the Gone With The Wind aproach and said, I'll think of it another day.  well, that day is today.  I have had 8 full days of ignoring my problems. Ignoring my life. Today, I remembered that New Years is not just another day off before I have to go back to reality.  It's the end of 2012!  Time for my end of year assessment. Time to take responsibility for what 2012 became.  I hate my life.  I hate myself.  I need a change.

That's all I've done in the past few years.  I change so much in the span of a year that the time lapse seems like a massive distance.  Surely I can't still be within a year of the first recital with my school.  It can't have only been last Christmas we went to Disney.  Summer 2011 and before seems like a whole lifetime ago.  For whom doth time meander so slowly?

I thought time 'flew by'. And when you looked back, you thought, "Where did the time go? It only feels like yesterday."  Not so for me. This morning even feels far away. And the future, as well.  I look ahead to this May and can't fathom getting there. 

At the end of 2012:

I'm 25

I'm past broke

I have a business that seems to do the opposite of grow.

I'm single.  A single mom.

I hate the place I live. 

I don't like the people I have to see.

I need an extra job. 

And, maybe next week will be better.  Next week in 2013.  I don't have high hopes. Maybe that's the key.  The last two New Years entries have been all about the next year being fantastic.  They didn't turn out well.  This year is starting in a horrible way. A bad time in my life.  I'm just hoping I survive January.  And $1000 drops out of the air. 

Leah K.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/759119171/blog-entry/  my dear Mr. President letter.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/760068309/walk-ms-arkansas/   for Miss Dixie.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/760501893/unfiltered-uncensored/ 

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/761143807/easter/   I need to do more of these church posts.  Like Christmas maybe.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/762518600/journal-entry/  (not a good read, but signifies how my year was)

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/763614022/fluid-grace/   inspired writing

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/764605764/falling-apart/   inspired dancing

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/765878668/soul/    truth

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/767575774/blog-entry/   grrr

That last one was in August.  And that's it.  Everything past August was crap.  Sad. Sorry xanga.

So I hadn't planned on seeing xanga for another week, but then I remembered I always do my year in review. 

I could be sleeping.

We'll see if I get my post done tonight.

Leah K.

2012 Reading Challenge

Leah has read 29 books toward her goal of 30 books.

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29 of 30 (96%)

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So I gave myself a reading challenge near the beginning of this year.  I started my goal at 20 books.  Somewhere during the summer I realized I was going to surpass that number so I raised it.  I think I got a little over excited that I was doing so well, and I put in 30.  30 books.  Now, that wouldn't be so bad if most of the books didn't contain over 900-1000 pages.  I finished the 29th book today.  And dangit all if this last book doesn't kill me.  Les Miserables.  I can't get through more than one chapter in a night.  Maybe i'm just tired.  Maybe I'll read another fluff book to meet my quota.  And when 2013 arrives... or if.  I will have to set my goal at 30 again.  Because I will not back down!  Lord help.

Leah K.

Absolutely nothing has changed, but I can't go back.   I see everything differently.   

I might still love you.  I might still talk about life with you.  

I couldn't be with you, even if you wanted me.  

That statement is even too heavy for our situation.

So why can't I look for someone new?  

I can't get it through my head that it would be different.  

Different person.  Different time.  Different me.  

And this changes nothing.  Tomorrow, I will continue being forever alone.

Leah K.

I walk in to Books A Million this morning.  There is a guy standing 5 feet from the door staring at the speaker in the ceiling.  "Is this Chris Cornell?!", he exclaims.  "Uh, I don't know who that is."  "Oh man, he's great! He was the singer for Soundgarden and Adioslave."  "Oh! I know both of those bands!"  (I also own albums from both)  So then the guy decides to let me in on a piece of heaven.  "He does this awesome cover of Billie Jean by Michael Jackson."  "Awesome! I will have to hear that."  "yeah, look it up on youtube."                                                                    DONE  and amazing. Enjoy.

Leah K.

Over the past few years I have become a well read Austenite.  Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, and now Persuasion.  I started Emma, never finished.  Though, I know the characters and story seeing as how it's quite famous.  

Everyone seems to like P&P.  However, I feel it is quite predictable, and Elizabeth is maybe my least favorite heroin.  Elinor and Marianne in Sense and Sensibility are more to my liking.  The fact that it doesn't have the romantic fantasy ending (at least for one character) makes the novel higher on my list.  Finally, a character who can take the love blinders off and see sense.  Fanny in Mansfield Park is supposedly the least favorite heroin.  I love her dearly.  

I was excited when I picked up the paperback of Persuasion for $3.00.  I have been wanting to read it.  When I opened the book and found a dictionary of words used in English Literature I thought I was in heaven.  I read two pages before I could tear myself away to start the novel.  I was worried at the beginning because the characters introduced were not people I would want to know.  A few chapters in I realized it wasn't really their story, and I was rewarded with my favorite heroin thus far.  Anne Elliot.  The sister.  The helper.  A woman who was forever loyal in love to the man whom circumstance made her turn down.  A woman who everyone loved, but no one valued.  

Jane Austen was never one to issue gasps and surprises in my reading.  That changed in the middle of the night last week.  It was the middle of a sentence, and the end of it almost made me drop the book.  Fast forward two sentences and my gasp was so loud, I thought it would wake my daughter.  Bravo, Jane!  Way to make it a page turner.  There were still the typical chapters it was amazing I kept my eyes open to get to the next page, but I had two separate occasions when I couldn't put the book down until the wee hours.  

My only problem with the book is not really Austen's fault.  The ending gives someone like me this destructive hope that it might happen in real life.  I have enough trouble moving on as it is.  This book is so fiercely about the inability to move on, and the unchanging quality of love that I feel it must be so.  One day, I will end up with that one person whom I cannot be with now (Though this person has changed a few times).  No, Leah.  You are not Anne.  And he (neither one of them) is not Captain Frederick Wentworth.  

Leah K.

"So is Drosselmeyer like the creepy uncle?"   

"Why yes, yes he sure is. You know, that uncle who owns a toy shop and magically brings the toys to life.  Then he sends his niece on trips into weird places with a fake prince who fights with rats.  That Uncle."  

"Oh! It's your first time to see The Nutcracker? Well, it's great!  The first scene is the party and then Drosselmeyer brings all the toys to life including the nutcracker. And there are rats to fight. Then the nutcracker takes Clara to his land. They have to travel through the snow to get to the land of sweets.  Where there are dancing people who represent food.  Let's see.  The Chocolate Spanish dancers. The Chinese are Tea.  Coffee for Arabian.  Russian? Mother Ginger and her little tiny baker cookie people under her skirt.  Then there are Waltzing Flowers.  Uh.  They are just flowers.  And The Sugar Plum at the end."    

"It's a little odd, huh?"  

If you have never seen The Nutcracker you must find a show near you.  I promise there is one.  Most are probably better than this wonderful small town one I see every year.  Three times a year.  

Leah K. 

negative thought

negative thought

angry thought

negative thought

blah blah blah

Leah K.