I use my web cam to remember the choreography I teach from week to week.  I have lots and lots of videos of dances.  So, I did a mix.  

Leah K.

Do you have those moments?  Moments where you are participating in something, yet also observing a the novelty of it.  

For example.  You are sitting at a table across from a friend at Applebees.   You have good food.  A good mixed drink.  

There are people at the next table.  People all around.  But you are taking no notice.  

The conversation is loud and filled with outbursts.  Outbursts of laughter.  Outbursts of affirmation.  Outbursts of incredulous.  

There are no lulls in the conversation and if there are it's just long enough to stuff your face or take a sip.

 And you keep talking, but you realize you are having entirely too much fun for two people sitting in an Applebees.  

Only the best of friends could get this much true enjoyment out of such simple camaraderie.  

Leah K.

I hope the world never works the way my brain worked last night.  

I was taking part in an event where you could relive a school shooting.  I'm not sure why I signed up for this.  I always end up doing this to myself.  I see the headlines. I never click on the link to read the story.  I don't want to know.  I ignore the who and the why for as long as possible.  Then I break.  And when I break, boy do I break.

For example, after the Movie Theater Shooting I waited at least 2 weeks before watching any news.  Then I saw one link about cell phone footage inside the theater.  Then I watched all the interviews with people who survived.  Then I listened to the police radio.  Then I watched interviews with family members of those that were killed.  I just kept going.  I cried for two days.  

Then The Sandy Hook shooting happened.  I have refused to watch anything!  I will not.  It happened.  I can't change it.  I can't deal with it.  I will not.  As a result my brain has given me this most recent nightmare.  

As we walk into the school.  The children are in there rooms.  The teachers are going through their lessons.  Our group is ushered through a hallway as witnesses to the regularity, at first.  Then the emergency sets in.  The students are told to be deathly quiet.  Very hard for the little ones.  I see them as they struggle to keep their footsteps silent.  The classes held in unsafe places are ushered into the hall with us, and we are told to follow and stay quiet.  When we get to the place where it is thought we will be able to most effectively hide we sit against a wall.   Someone in charge, a teacher or principle sits down beside me.  He tells me the shooter is getting nearer.  Am I ready?  I'm in a sad state to tell the truth.  I'm asking myself why in the world!  A few people I know are sitting on my other side.  They seem to be doing better with the idea of reliving this.  We hear heavy footfalls.  The teacher says it's time to move.  We head into a dark room with walls you would be able to see through if the lights were on.  I guess their thought was we would be aware of where the shooter was.  Not particularly something I needed to be aware of.  Most of the group I was with went to the opposing wall, and sat on the couch all along it.  I laid down against the nearest wall.  The teacher was the last one in, laying close to me feet near the door.  We began to hear his voice.  He was coming for us.  Getting closer. And closer.  Calling us to our deaths.  This was the moment I realized some of us were going to die.  Maybe me.  Some of those children were going to die. 

When I woke up.  I had a moment where I was upset that my dream was not finished.  Then I was extremely relieved my dream was cut short.  When I was dreaming I knew the words the shooter was shouting.  I knew they were haunting.  They were disturbing.  When I awoke.  I could not place them.  This gave me the same feeling.  I wish I remembered them, but then again.  Maybe it's best I don't remember.  

Leah K.

My Luci registered for Kindergarten tonight.  She went to meet the teachers she might have.  Luci says she doesn't want to turn 5 because she doesn't want to go to kindergarten because she doesn't want to leave her pre-school class.  I keep trying to explain everyone else in her class won't be there after May, but then she gets upset and says she doesn't want anything to change.  My response is that it's not changing.  There are three more months of her class, just the way it is.  

I'm not really sure why registration/Open House is in March.   I was kind of hoping to live in a different school district by the time August came around.  I was at least going to explore all my options.  This kind of settles it.  I guess I'll stay put.  It makes more sense anyway.  The most economical sense.  I just really want to live somewhere else.  I want Luci to go to a different school.  I guess I will suck it up and deal with it.  Quit trying to change everything, when it works the way it is.  

Luci will be fine at this school in the Fall when she is 5.  Surely.  

Sorry for the rambling.  Just trying to let go of my unrealistic plans for the future.  It bothers me.  It makes me feel like all my future plans are unrealistic.  Like nothing will ever change and move forward.  I'm also having a rough week, so maybe I just need to revisit these thoughts on a positive day.  

Leah K.

It's the first day of March.  First thing in the morning.   I have just dropped Luci off at school, I am headed to my studio to pick up some things before my Friday classes start.  I go into the building and start up the stairs.  I hear a fluttering.  I pause.  I go up a few more stairs.  A bird flies across the top of the stairs.  I scream.  The heavy breathing starts.  The bird hears and flies back across where it came from.  I scream again, "Oh, God!"  I run down a few stairs.   Breathe.  I need in my office.  Maybe it won't fly by this time.  Breathe.   I sneak up a few steps.   I hear fluttering.  I tense.  I shake.  It lands at the top of the stairs.  I whine, "I can't, I can't, I can't, no". each time attempting to take the next step.  I take a very slow step upward.  It moves.  I run away.  The girls will have to practice without their tambourines and candy.  I can't.  By now I'm crying.  I get in my car.  Call my best friend.  I. Can't. Breathe.  She can't figure out what I'm saying.   Finally, she hears the word bird, and understands.  I told her it wasn't necessary for her to come save me, I left, but thanks for letting me have a panic attack over the phone.  

Not a good start to my month.  

You see, I have this irrational phobia of birds.  

Ornithophobia is a type of specific phobia, which is an abnormal and irrational fear of birds. The origin of the word ornitho is Greek (meaning bird) andphobia is Greek (meaning fear). The fear of birds is not uncommon, and it stems from the menacing, darker image of some birds of prey. Some people may only fear predatory birds, such as vultures, while others will even be afraid of household pets in the likes of budgies.^[1]

Sufferers of this phobia might fear that they will be attacked by a bird or may simply be uncomfortable around them. They would usually fear their fluttering wings, the way they move, the way they fearlessly fly towards people hoping for food, the texture of feathers, the fear of disease or any combination of these. Birds can also be loud, large and menacing, and they can demonstrate little fear of humans.^[2]

The phobia itself causes heart palpitations, sweating, nervousness, and avoidance behavior in those who suffer from Ornithophobia. Without treatmentthe phobia can become life-limiting. The fear of birds has been well-documented in films and poetry.

I have always said I hate the damn things.   places where the walk around under tables to get food are a nightmare for me.  I roll my windows up in my car when stopped and there are birds on nearby power lines, but I have never screamed and been thrown into a panic attack by one before.  I also have a tendency to put my arms over my head and quicken my pace when a swarm flies over.  I guess I've never had a bird with me in such a confined place before.  My phobia is a lot worse than I anticipated.  

Leah K.

my love.  piano and pas de deux.  

“Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)” 
― Sylvia Plath

This was a poem I loved when I read it in school.  I came across it today, and I didn't want to just let it fade away again.  One of the reasons I read The Bell Jar.  I love Sylvia.

Leah K.

Accommodating

willing to please : helpful, obliging

accommodating - helpful in bringing about a harmonious adaptation

obliging - showing a cheerful willingness to do favors for others

This hasn't been a positive thing in my life all the time.   Like Today.  It has been stupid today.   And last weekend.  And the weekend before.  And at work.  I don't want to make this situation comfortable for you by sacrificing my comfort or my daughter's comfort.  I also don't want this situation to be more comfortable for your children at the expense of their benefit in the long run.  But I am this way, and I don't just not say no.  I say yes and how would you like it.    What's best for you?  

Leah K.

I'm proud of myself for finishing the Love Parade.  

One of the things I am best at is denial.  I deny my feelings.  I deny things that happen.  I push past relationships out of my head never to be thought of.  

That is one of the reasons I repeat the same people over and over.   The hurt.  The reasons we didn't work the first time.  I shut it out.  I don't forget or forgive.  I ignore.  This really means I am lying to myself.  I tell myself things are not a big deal.  I don't learn from my mistakes.  

My mistakes?  For a long time I have refused to examine my mistakes.  For being such an introspective person, I have failed when it comes to relationships.   I have examined why I work in the field I work in.  I have examined why I suck at school.  I have examined how I feel about my parents and my childhood.  Everyday, I criticize myself for my shortcomings as a mom and as a teacher.  I do not, however, think about how to have better relationships or what went wrong with the ones I already had.  

One clue on this subject was the complete lack of Xanga entries about these guys.   Xanga is where I come to figure things out.  It's where I come to put my thoughts in order.  Yet, I don't use it to resolve my relationship issues.   And boy do I need some resolution.  I go from completely avoiding the spark on a daily basis to jumping head first into a fire asking to get burned.  The fires have slowly evolved into larger and larger infernos.  (this girl is on fiiiiyaaa!)  

OK.  Here I go.   

So, what went wrong?   with 2-12, I was searching for the wrong thing.   I wanted that surface romance.  He thinks I'm pretty.  He likes the same music.  We have fun, and laugh all the time, and do silly things.  We don't believe the same things.  We don't want the same things out of life.  Our views of family and money and home are not even discussed.  We run on the assumption that getting along is what matters.  Getting along seems to be the least important aspect to me now.  I don't count #1 in that category because we actually did get deep.  We knew/know each other so well it was never a surprise how we wanted our lives to end up.  The getting along was a problem sometimes.  Our personalities are contradicting.   

So what is my excuse for FS and my second sashay with Lance?  These are the ones that really worry me.  I know that I approached these relationships in opposing ways.  With Lance I trusted his words.  I trusted his motives when I knew better, and I shouldn't have because I was wrong.  On the other hand, I doubted every positive thing FS said to me.  I was untrusting of his proclamations of affection.  I didn't put weight on them.  I didn't return them, and therefore didn't hold him accountable.   I still don't know for sure if it was truth or just empty words.  At one point I actually thought it was all an act and was a calculated attempt just to hurt me.  The stupid truth is that Lance has given me every reason to mistrust him, and FS has given me none.   My draw to Lance was the real possibility of meshing our lives together.  How easily he would take care of me, and we would work together.   My draw to FS was this dream life he possessed.   He could take me places.  Something completely different than the life I'm living, and a lot closer to the life I always dreamed about.  A little bit unrealistic, and unattainable.  

So for the future?

I need someone who wants the same life I do.  And maybe I don't know what that is yet.  And maybe I'm completely wrong.   If it's all about the trust and openness, I'm screwed.  

This might be why I never do this.  I can't ever conclude anything.  I can't figure out the secret.  Useless introspection is not nice.  

Leah K.

#4, #11, #14, #16, #18.       

I keep on fallin'
In and out of love 
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes u make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused

I listened to this song today.  I thought it fit.  

FS

I have written posts about this guy on previous occasions.  FS stands for Feng Shui because he's fluent in Cantonese.  Then I turned it into Fifty Shades.  Let's add Fucking Sucks.  I was a very bad girl in my last post and actually gave away his real identity.   I'm tempted to do it again.  I'll just say that it wouldn't be a very difficult xanga archive scavenger hunt.  

#4.   I wanted you to be my prom date.  Your friend asked me first.   How was I supposed to know, you planned to ask me?  Too late.  

#11.  Best friend ever.  I love you.  I miss you.

#14.  Blast from the past.  You turned out awesome.  And very far away.  The two Time Zone difference worked for us.  Me the night owl, you the early to bed. We got to go on a date!  A real one, in the same town.  It was a great happy night, and then you left the next day.   And you were really gone again.  

#16.   Far away in the other direction.  Time Zone screwed.   We came within fingertip distance and missed each other.  Gone again.

#18.   You have sufficiently screwed my ability to look for a real relationship.  I need you in my life.  Again, we come fingertip distance apart, and yet so damn far.  I can't believe I didn't even see you this time around.   Drop me like a hot potato.  Bye, again.  

He's a busy boy with 5 floats in the parade.

My next post will hopefully be when I examine what this parade means.  And Also to convey how I feel about all of this.  

Valentine's day wasn't wonderful.

Leah K.