I turned into a crazy, in your face, bitchy, crying in the shower, Momma over the past few days.  My baby is sick.  She has been sick for days.  Fever.  Vomiting. Not Eating.  Sniffly.  Eye Watery.  Cough it up.  Sick.   "Let me take your temperature, Luci Honey."  "You need to take some Tylenol, Luci."  "Do you want something to eat?"   "no, Mom!"  "NOOOOOO!"   "No, Momma, no... Momma!!"  

Your child being sick is one of those things that makes you feel the most helpless you have ever felt.  I want to take her medicine for her.  I want to eat and drink for her.  I want to breathe for her and sleep for her.  Instead, I'm stuck pleading with a 4 year old who doesn't understand how to help herself.  "Turn on your side, darlin, so you don't choke and cough."  "I know your tummy hurts, you've got to eat something!"  "Don't take off your socks, you're feet are freezing."  "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down, the medicine go down. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way. I promise."  "Are you sure you don't want to blow your nose?"  (speaking of blowing her nose, I made up a new game. It's called, Every Time You Blow Your Nose, Mommy Will Make an Ass of Herself So You Think That It's Fun!!!)  "But it hurts, Mommy."  "I know, but look at Mommy spin around like a fool!"

Now, I have a couple examples of the crazy Momma.  

1.  Chic Fil A.

     Like I said earlier, Luci has not been eating.  Yesterday, she ate dry cheerios, nutter butters, and applesauce for "lunch" which was all she ate.  I got through at work at 8:30pm.  I called to ask if she wanted anything, anything at all, and I would bring it to her.   She decides on her favorite, Chic Fil A.  I got this.  "Yes, I would like a kids meal 4 piece nuggets with a fruit bowl and chocolate milk.  Also, I need a number 1 with sweet tea and Polynesian sauce. Thank you."  I arrive home.  Open the bag.  What the hell!  Bowl of fruit, check.  Chocolate milk, check.  Straw, check.  Prize, check.  Nuggets.....  Nuggets?  Nuggets!!?  Kill me now.  It probably would not have bothered me on any other day.  But, boy.  I wanted to call them and let them know how much that mistake they don't care about meant to me.  My daughter hasn't eaten a meal in days, and when she finally asks for something, because of you I'm not able to provide it for her.   Shame on you, teenager who doesn't realize you have a responsibility to customers.  

2.  The Government.

     It's probably apparent that Luci is on a Government Healthcare Program.  They so nicely screwed up the process of figuring out this program.  You must call this person before this date for them to tell you you needed to call this other person first, so that person can tell you someone else will have to call them before they can change this information for you.....  huh?  In order to even try to get an appointment I had to call one more time.   "Is this Dr. in Arkansas?"  "YES! The same Doctor my daughter has been going to since she was born 4 1/2 years ago."  "Please hold."  "Oh, why not!"  

3.  The Clinic.

     One Does Not Simply

     Call for an Appointment.    

     I learned long ago.  If you want to take your sick child to the doctor, you have to call at precisely 8 am for them to give you a time to be there only to wait until they feel like calling your name.   You will sit in the waiting room for hours with a kid who has a fever, who just wants to lay down and sleep, who has snot running down their face and your shoulder.   I was prepared for this.   Set my alarm for 7:59.  call at 8:00.  "We are not taking any appointments today due to being short staff."   "so you aren't seeing any sick kids?"  "no."  "ummm, wow."  Next day.  alarm set for 7:59.  call at 8:00.  "Leave patients name, date of birth, and your phone number. We will call to let you know an appointment time."   Goodness!  How inconvenient must you make this?   9:00 call back.  "Yes, you we got the message, we don't have any appointments open."  "I called yesterday as well, you said there would be openings today."  "We thought there would be."  ...................      

So, I went to an express walk-in clinic and paid for the damn exam.  

I had the urge to pull a Denzel Washington and take the clinic hostage so the doctor could see my kid.   

-Sick Mommy

My weekend was spent at the funeral event of my Great Aunt Jackie.  She was the youngest sister of my Granddaddy.  

My boyfriendless friends and I used to joke that when we grew up, we would be Baptist Nuns.  Well, I was related to one.  She was present at every family reunion, many Christmases and Thanksgivings, most Birthdays of all the cousins, and the occasional Sunday Dinner. Also, one week during the summer we would stay with her for Computer Camp.  She didn't drive. She never married.  She lived on campus at Williams Baptist College where she worked.  And yes, I said Computer Camp.  We would play Phase 10, and watch Narnia (the old one on VHS), surrounded by ceramic frogs and bells.  She always sent a card and a present for birthdays and Christmas signed "Love and Prayers" - Aunt Jackie.  

It's so odd being away from family.  Being spread from North Carolina to Ft Worth, TX has really made it's mark on us.  Being back in Northeast Arkansas with almost everyone was amazing.  Something as simple as Church Prepared Food can make you miss how it used to be.   I have been under the impression that no family eats the same things in the same way.  I have spent time with many families, and many pot lucks.  I've never thought, "now this is how it's supposed to be."  Then, as I sat at a church in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas I found it.  5 tables full of people I am actually related to (or close enough), eating food that actually tastes right.   Don't get me started on the wind and the sky.  It makes me think, maybe TX is not where I belong.  Then again.  I can't think of any town in Northeast Arkansas that I would want to Frequent.   Maybe Memphis is close enough?  Should I renew my dream to be in Memphis?  

Leah K.

While driving home from lunch today, Luci asks why Miss Tristin doesn't live with her Mommy (she was visiting her mommy in another town).  I answered, "because she lives with her husband."  Luci of course asks why.  I answer, "she wants to."  Luci questions this as well, "why would she want to?"  "She just does, baby.", I say. 

Then she gets a little aggravated and proclaims, "But, I don't want to get married!".  "Smart girl", I think.  "Me neither, darlin, me neither."

She might be her mother's daughter.

Leah K.

I had a surge in Spring enrollment.   Mostly in my advanced classes.  I couldn't figure out where to put all these dancers.  They are all of different backgrounds.  This one kid is a tap genius.  What am I supposed to do with him?  I doubt he would enjoy even my most advanced tap class.   I had to put him in with my advanced 2 class to evaluate him, so I'm sure he was extremely bored.  We spent most of the time doing jazz.  Most of the other newbies are jazzers.  Some of them don't fit in to any of my classes.  And the boys are a mess!  They didn't think there was enough room in my studio, so they thought it would be a good idea to explore the rest of the building.  The building is not fit for exploration.  I'm going to have to work on my getting teenage boys to behave skills.  

Problems my asleep brain wished I had.  

Leah K.

Marius
There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain goes on and on
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone 

Here they talked of revolution
Here it was they lit the flame
Here they sang about tomorrow
And tomorrow never came. 

From the table in the corner
They could see a world reborn
And they rose with voices ringing
I can hear them now!
The very words that they had sung
Became their last communion
On the lowly barricade..
At dawn. 
Oh my friends, my friends forgive me. 

That I live and you are gone
There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain goes on and on 

Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more. 

Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me
What your sacrifice was for
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will sing no more...

....  I mean.  Just leave me on the floor.  sobbing.  

Leah K.

This is how I have felt since I saw the movie.  Then I finished the book and the feeling multiplied.  I've been crying on and off for days.  

Where has Les Mis been all my life!?  In my favorite books category it goes right under The Once And Future King, before Gone With The Wind and Great Expectations.

I completely love how French it is.  How you take a book about young people getting killed in a civil uprising, and the oppression of the poor and make it completely romantic, is wonderful.  Not just the actual romance contained but the romance of life itself.  The romance of political upheaval.  The romance of living between meals, not knowing where your next piece of bread might come from.  THE RAIN WILL MAKE THE FLOWERS GROW!!!!  (OK that quote is only from the musical, not the book)

My new favorite french word is Chevalier.   I've been here http://www.forvo.com/search/monsieur/  listening to French words all day.  

I don't write in my books very often or fold page corners.  I made an exception.  These are the parts that I couldn't leave in the book.  

"There is one spectacle grander than the sea, that is the sky; there is one spectacle grander than the sky, that is the interior of the soul."   

"One can no more prevent the mind from returning to an idea than the sea from returning to a shore.  . . . God upheaves the soul as well as the ocean."

"The rich young man has a hundred brilliant and coarse amusements . . . , busying the lower portions of the soul at the expense of its higher and delicate portions.  The poor young man . . . goes free to the play that God gives; he beholds the sky, space, stars, the flowers, the children, the humanity in which he suffers, the creation in which he shines. He looks at humanity so much that he sees the soul . . . within him, forgetfulness of self, and pity for all. . . . ,and thought which makes him noble."   

"The power of a glance . . . Few people dare, now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and this way only."

"These passages at arms for progress often fail. The throng is restive under the sway of the paladins. The heavy masses, the multitudes, fragile on account of their very weight, dread uncertainties, and there is uncertainty in the ideal."

Also, the novel deals with that horrible evil, circumstance.  Steal a loaf of bread? Go to prison for half of your life.  Become mayor?  Have your former overseeing officer come into your service.   Find the love of your life, she moves away.   Realize your in love with a guy, get shot and die for him.  Oh, the misery of life! 

Leah K.

To review 2012, all I really need to do is take a good look at the last few weeks.  A huge mess of my own making.

I was really ready to drive off into oblivion Friday December 21st.  I thought even if the world didn't end for everyone, the Mayans at least predicted the end of my world. 

I thought to myself, "I'm done! It's over."  I took the Gone With The Wind aproach and said, I'll think of it another day.  well, that day is today.  I have had 8 full days of ignoring my problems. Ignoring my life. Today, I remembered that New Years is not just another day off before I have to go back to reality.  It's the end of 2012!  Time for my end of year assessment. Time to take responsibility for what 2012 became.  I hate my life.  I hate myself.  I need a change.

That's all I've done in the past few years.  I change so much in the span of a year that the time lapse seems like a massive distance.  Surely I can't still be within a year of the first recital with my school.  It can't have only been last Christmas we went to Disney.  Summer 2011 and before seems like a whole lifetime ago.  For whom doth time meander so slowly?

I thought time 'flew by'. And when you looked back, you thought, "Where did the time go? It only feels like yesterday."  Not so for me. This morning even feels far away. And the future, as well.  I look ahead to this May and can't fathom getting there. 

At the end of 2012:

I'm 25

I'm past broke

I have a business that seems to do the opposite of grow.

I'm single.  A single mom.

I hate the place I live. 

I don't like the people I have to see.

I need an extra job. 

And, maybe next week will be better.  Next week in 2013.  I don't have high hopes. Maybe that's the key.  The last two New Years entries have been all about the next year being fantastic.  They didn't turn out well.  This year is starting in a horrible way. A bad time in my life.  I'm just hoping I survive January.  And $1000 drops out of the air. 

Leah K.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/759119171/blog-entry/  my dear Mr. President letter.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/760068309/walk-ms-arkansas/   for Miss Dixie.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/760501893/unfiltered-uncensored/ 

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/761143807/easter/   I need to do more of these church posts.  Like Christmas maybe.

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/762518600/journal-entry/  (not a good read, but signifies how my year was)

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/763614022/fluid-grace/   inspired writing

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/764605764/falling-apart/   inspired dancing

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/765878668/soul/    truth

http://leahktutu.xanga.com/767575774/blog-entry/   grrr

That last one was in August.  And that's it.  Everything past August was crap.  Sad. Sorry xanga.

So I hadn't planned on seeing xanga for another week, but then I remembered I always do my year in review. 

I could be sleeping.

We'll see if I get my post done tonight.

Leah K.

2012 Reading Challenge

Leah has read 29 books toward her goal of 30 books.

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29 of 30 (96%)

view books

 

 

So I gave myself a reading challenge near the beginning of this year.  I started my goal at 20 books.  Somewhere during the summer I realized I was going to surpass that number so I raised it.  I think I got a little over excited that I was doing so well, and I put in 30.  30 books.  Now, that wouldn't be so bad if most of the books didn't contain over 900-1000 pages.  I finished the 29th book today.  And dangit all if this last book doesn't kill me.  Les Miserables.  I can't get through more than one chapter in a night.  Maybe i'm just tired.  Maybe I'll read another fluff book to meet my quota.  And when 2013 arrives... or if.  I will have to set my goal at 30 again.  Because I will not back down!  Lord help.

Leah K.

Absolutely nothing has changed, but I can't go back.   I see everything differently.   

I might still love you.  I might still talk about life with you.  

I couldn't be with you, even if you wanted me.  

That statement is even too heavy for our situation.

So why can't I look for someone new?  

I can't get it through my head that it would be different.  

Different person.  Different time.  Different me.  

And this changes nothing.  Tomorrow, I will continue being forever alone.

Leah K.